you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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