Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
