I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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