just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
