You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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