Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
