Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
