I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
