the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
