You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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