I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
