I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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