his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The beer is more important than you right now.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
