He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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