Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
