so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
