Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
