you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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