my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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