Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
