peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
