insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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