I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
