Even the bartender felt bad for me
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
