shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
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