Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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