I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
