I accidentally had phone sex last night
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
