I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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