Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
