Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
