I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
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Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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