So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
