I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
