My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
