I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
