Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
