rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
