I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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