hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
