i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
