why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
