I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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