I am puke
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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