i need an iv and a liver transplant
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
