just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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