There is no way he is gay with that hair.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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