my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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