At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The beer is more important than you right now.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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