Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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