When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
this hospital has no fireball
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
