He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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