There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
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Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
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Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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