whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
