and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
