if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
