I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I could make wine with my vomit
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
