Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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