I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
